Showing posts with label healing heartbreak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing heartbreak. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Broken but hopeful

Life can be really hard.

I'm writing this during my lunch break; a break I haven't taken in some weeks so as not to drown in to dos. My apartment's a mess. My clothes scattered around, as though about in a fury. My refrigerator is empty. My cabinets sparse.

A month ago it wasn't like this. I had a full fridge and even hosted my first dinner party. I had a hand to hold regularly and looked forward to the weekends.

But life just happens. And things get heavy, fast. No matter how much you think you have everything under control the truth is that sometimes you have no control. Being OK with that fact is half the battle, I suppose.

So here I am, surrendering to what is. Accepting what may be. Holding on tight to what I know to be true.

In the meantime, I recommend this piece from "Ask Polly." Because it chewed me up and spit me out and put me back together all in the course of 5 minutes. Now I reference certain lines as reminders. As hope. As a grace to get me through.

Until my fridge is full again. Until my laundry is done. Until my to-do list is finally completed.

I have two daughters, and this, for some reason, is my biggest fear when it comes to them, that they’ll waste their lives chasing men in circles instead of recognizing how much sunshine and genius and expansive, outrageous possibility they carry around with them everywhere they go. But this anxiety of mine isn’t just about young women and their tendency to ignore their own value and worth and potential. It’s also about 30-something men and 40-somethings and 50-somethings and everyone under the goddamned sun. We are all so completely poleaxed by our own longing, by our own magical thinking, by our own physical resistance to hard work. We put our faith in prefabricated fantasies instead of reality; we believe in easy answers and short cuts instead of craft; we admire popularity instead of originality; we find ourselves reaching for shiny dreamworlds and ignoring human beings. The world tells us that we should be disappointed in ourselves, every single day. The best party is across town. The best party is across the universe. We should be fucking a ghost that looks like Chris Hemsworth, gently, in some galaxy far away. 
Let’s just be ourselves instead, broken but hopeful, and let’s be right here, right now. Let’s look around and see the scrappy, mediocre, mundane details of our lives and proclaim them exalted and glorious. Imagine for a moment that I can see you clearly for the first time. I can see you clearly, and you are radiating pure, lusty, brilliant grace and divinity. Feel it. Believe it. Carry it with you.


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Tuesday, December 1, 2015

When nothing goes unsaid.

Have you ever puked on the subway? Well, not on the subway, exactly -- or the Tube, in my case -- but gotten that feeling of utter nausea, the kind that starts in your heart and the next thing you know you're running off the train to find the nearest trashcan, bush, whatever?

I have. This past weekend, in fact.

I went to visit some friends in London. London and I have had a lot of interesting moments together. Mostly brilliant. Some rather sad. London isn't a city where you have a mediocre time. It's really not. You either have the most magical time on Earth, or you end up puking on the Tube from sadness, or maybe you experience both in a mere 12 hours span, as was my latest adventure.

I could go into details. Give you the play-by-play of what happened. But I think there are some things that should be reserved for my personal memories... or until I'm a little bit less fragile.

But here's what I do want to say: if you have something to say, something near and dear to your heart, say it. I know my saying that probably comes as no surprise, I've had a pretty strong track record of doing just that.

This weekend I did it again.

And it wasn't pretty. It was full of ugly tears, confessions of love, and utter rejection. A lost friendship to boot.

(And some puking on the Tube.)

But I walked away with not a single regret, well, aside from wishing i hadn't done that type of sob where you can't catch your breath; the one that takes you back to when you were 3 years old and your mom wouldn't buy you that doll you had to have.

But ugly tears be damned, I regret nothing.

When I'm 40 or 60, I'll never have to wonder "What if I would have just said how I felt?"

I said how I felt. And that's all I can do.

That's all we can ever do.

Love, love, love. I'll keep on if you promise you will.

"I hope one day 5 years from now you stumble across me when I’ve grown out of you and finally then after not seeing me for all this time it will break your heart."


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Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Adele's 'Hello' & how I haven't stopped crying since its release

You guys. It's been nearly a week and I haven't stopped listening to Adele's new single... much to my coworkers' dismay. It's so good. You've heard it, right? And you've seen the video, right? RIGHT? Here. I'll wait.

I told you so!

So not only are her cheekbones, voice and eyeliner perfection, but she absolutely kills it in interviews, too. Oh, Adele. You're too good to us.

Maybe I also love her because we're nearly the same age and her songs are about life stages we went through around the same time? Maybe I'm reaching here, but naja.

She slayed me with this. (I want to print it off and tape it all over my apartment as inspiration.)

Adele also blessed us with this recent interview in i-D magazine. It's definitely worth a read. Here's a part that especially stood out to me.
When she was ready to start work on the record, Adele walked down to the local shop ("I do actually walk," she says, laughing) and bought herself a brand new notebook. "I do it every album. I buy a new pad, sniff it - 'cause smell is important - and then I get a big, fat sharpie and write my age on the front page. 25 has five exclamation marks after it 'cause I was like, 'How the fuck did that happen?!' 21 to 25." The record is about getting older and becoming nostalgic, she says. It's about what was, what is, what might have been. It's about missing things that you had no idea were so precious, like being 18-years-old and drinking two litre bottles of cider in Brockwell Park with your mates. "Those were the most real and best moments of my life and I wish I'd known that I wasn't going to be able to sit in the park and drink a bottle of cider again." Not because she's famous, but because her life - and the lives of her school friends - has moved on. No one is a teenager anymore. "I think the album is about trying to clear out the past," she says slowly. 
And woo boy, that's exactly what I'm trying to do right now. Kon Mari Methoding my past. 
Less than a month until we're graced with her entire. new. album. I'm dying over here! 
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Thursday, October 2, 2014

When Anger and Love Walk Together.

I’m angry, I’m angry at the boy who said he would love you till the day he died, but I guess he died when he left you. I’m angry at the boy who made you think your innocence could so easily be taken, when it was never his to take. I’m angry that he made you vulnerable, and now you regret ever being so open. I’m angry, because he was a lesson you never signed up for, and we were never meant to learn from the class of heartbreak. I’m angry, and I can’t do anything about it, but say that you’re worth more than what he gave or took, you’re worth more than late nights full of tears and early mornings filled with silence. You are the warmth in a hug, and the beauty in a sunrise; and I’m sorry that he made you feel like the cold in an empty room and the smoke of a blown out candle. I can only hope that you’ll love yourself again, because a star may feel alone and unwanted, but the world lays in wonder of the beauty that star gives. Your soul is endless, it would be a shame to think anyone could steal that truth.— T.B. LaBerge // I’m Angry

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Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Your worth is not determined by someone else, and other thoughts.

Three of my dear friends are currently in the throes of bitter heartbreaks. And, more than anything, it makes me weep for their ever thinking it has anything to do with their worth

What a ludicrous idea! 

These are three of the kindest, most brilliant, loving people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. The fact that they are hurting kills me. I wish I could take their hurt and make it mine. They don't deserve such sorrow. 

And the truth is, their exes never deserved them, full-stop. 

In a way, what a favor their exes did, letting these beautiful souls go, allowing them to venture on to the loves they deserve. 

But the cost is what can almost blind us all. 

When you're mid-battle of heartbreak warfare, you think of giving up time and time again. You question the point, feel as though you'll never find peace again. Recovery seems like a mythical place you only hear of people reaching.

But you have to keep on, keeping on. Not to prove to everyone that you can (because you can). Not to prove to your ex that they will miss you and regret their ways (because they will). And not because you feel the need to show your worth (you're already worth more than rubies, dear one). 

But because you are going to come out on the other side. Thriving.

You'll find a love that never makes you question your worth. Only one that reminds you of it daily. 

Someone breaking up with you does not diminish your worth.

It never does. 

In fact, sometimes it can prove that your worth was merely too much for someone to handle. 

Did you ever think of that? 

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Friday, April 25, 2014

Fate Is Wild.

Royals Game. 4/18/14
Hi friends!

I'm here! I really am alive and doing quite well. Albeit rather hum-de-dum. But I'm here!

Easter was lovely, as usual. Such a great time to ponder the big things and be drawn back to what matters. I'm thankful for those moments spent among the sea of people at Mass, a mere being among the masses, sharing in His great love. It's rather remarkable, when you think about it.

It's taken some oompf to get going these days. But with some lows always come a few highs, and that's what helps me keep on, keeping on.

When I caught myself on the brink of weeping last week, over the usual things--things I should know by now that I have absolutely no control over...--I told myself to snap out of it. Get on with life. Things happen. Life changes.

Then I skipped the weeping and went right into the full on sobbing instead. You know the kind: big, slobbery tears, chest heaving, glasses foggy. 

It's amazing what can seemingly be lifted as a result of such cries. You feel refreshed. As if you've let out all the chaos and are somewhat able to comprehend it all a bit clearer.

Give it a day. Any sense of control you thought you had will vanish soon enough and you'll be back wondering where to go from here...

But enough about my tendency to break down as a result of my not being able to control my future to the extent which would make me most comfortable... I've been embraced by the important parts of life and been cared for in a way I never realized I needed.

Old friendships have been reignited, past hopes reevaluated, and new dreams born. It's truly up in the air where I may go from here. I guess that's what keeps it most exciting, the not knowing.

But for a gal like me, oy. That's a feat. Stepping back and letting go.

So I just put the brilliance of Cheryl Strayed on repeat in my mind...

"How wild it is, to let it be." 


P.S. This slays me..
P.P.S. I miss the tour already.
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Friday, February 21, 2014

Heart to Heart.

I had dinner with my dear friend Gabby earlier this week and was reminded of how important these conversations are. How talking with a kindred spirit is always crucial in not losing sight of what you're hopes are and why we get out of bed every morning in the first place.

I have so many wonderful friends who take time to talk me through my inevitable over-analyzing and moments of complete confusion. I can't imagine what I'd do without them.

It's weeks like this that I need them most. You see, I tend to let myself fall for people that aren't necessarily right for me, and this time was no different. (Well, only slightly, because falling for a close friend only complicates everything. But that's neither here nor there. For the moment, anyway...) But even in the wake of hearing "I never cared as much as you do" or "I will never feel that way about you" I manage to always come slinking out of the trenches, crawl right back into the arms of my friends, always waiting there to take be back in, wipe off my tears, and remind me of what this whole thing is all about, in the first place:

Love. (And self love, at that.)

So as I sit here, a bit blue because of certain revelations, and I can't help but be absolutely astounded by how many great friends I have in this beautiful (though albeit, sometimes a bit emotionally treacherous) life of mine. And, how many people I have rooting me on along the way. I can't even begin to convey how much this means to me.

Lastly, to you: thank you.

Thank you so much for your support throughout the life of this blog. It's a blessing to have such wonderful support from so many wonderful people. And if you're struggling right now, know you aren't alone. And to soldier on, no matter how bleak things seem.

Because if you will, I will. Promise.

One moment at a time, dear ones. That's all we must do.

Some especially great words of wisdom that have been sent my way lately:

...there has to be more to life than this pain you feel.
Don't be afraid to color outside the lines.
Love is the weapon of the future.
Expand. Expand. Expand.
Christ understands the pain of rejection more than anyone in all of existence.
Don't make assumptions. Find the courage to ask...
Still learning.

p.s. This on repeat.


How wild it was, to let it be.
— Cheryl Strayed
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Sunday, October 20, 2013

With a little help from friends.

A few weeks ago I received an email from a dear reader who was going through a heartbreak. She asked me for advice--which is beyond flattering--and this is the reply I came up with (after many drafts). I hope it helped her, I know that it managed to helped me.

Dearest darling, 
First of all, a big BIG hug to you. This heartache your feeling is raw, and you're such a tender soul right now. Take a second to breath, and know that you are SO loved by so many people. You got that, sister? Ok? Ok. :) 
Secondly, oh boys. And I say boys because I dated someone who sounds crazy similar to your boy -- and that's exactly how they behaved -- like boys. But we accept it, because we think they will turn into men sooner than later and the sad part is, sometimes they take years! Or never even grow up! But you can't let him stop YOUR growing because of his own issues.
Oh the being in a happier place than your significant other. Such a situation I have found myself in, as well. It's hard, because you and I are caring, encouraging people. We see them and think: Hey! You're doing great! Keep climbing! And they see us and hear: Oh hurry up! What's taking so long! Which is not at all what we mean. But again, they are boys who don't think like logical men.  
This may be the hardest part of all, but I am telling you this from the side of the heartbroken: cut off all communication. Hide his Facebook updates, delete his number from your phone, and try and explain to your friends that  you need to be away from him until you feel better.  In my humble opinion staying friends so fresh after a breakup never, ever works. With two of my exes--both of which I was head-over-heels--they responded to none of my reaching out to them after the breakup. I found this to be cruel cruel cruel. But, three years later, I saw one of them and thanked him for this time of healing. I THANKED HIM! Because he knew that it would just drag the process out longer.  It's like ripping off a band-aid. You either do it slowly and feel every singe of pain for each individual piece,  or you rip that puppy off and get it over with! I highly recommend the latter. 
I also want to point out that when things get serious, it terrifies boys, because they aren't used to feeling such strong emotions! So, to protect themselves, I am of the opinion that they run from anything to keep themselves from getting hurt. But this is not your fault, nor is it mine. It's just the nature of the beast. 
Take some time for you, let him see that if he really wants space, you'll give it to him, and let him see that the pain of losing you isn't worth it! And, if he still is scared, he's not the one for you. You know that saying "let it go, if it comes back, it's yours; if not, it never was?" I find that to be quite true sometimes.  
I know you and he have a love that is between you two. It will always be there. And it will always be unique to you two. That's the best part about love, there's never the same love twice, so you'll always be in each other's hearts! 
I hope this helps a bit, dear friend. I know this is very hard to believe, but your heart will heal. It really will! And you'll be stronger for it. But in the meantime, embrace your emotions. Please don't drink them away, because that only turns them into monsters. And love, eat, and stay healthy. That is so hard to do--ask my friends and they'd tell ya I'm the worst when it comes to these things--but please do. Take a shower everyday and buy yourself a fantastic new nail polish or lipstick. One that reminds you every time you see it that you're healing!  
So much love to you and don't hesitate if you need to talk!
Big hugs!

And if you need to talk, I'm always here, dear readers.
After all, we're all in this together. 


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Friday, August 2, 2013

The best thing he ever did for you.

I remember sitting on the floor of my niece's room, flipping through magazines while she twirled in her dress-up clothes and we sang to the Taylor Swift CD that was playing in the background.

I was so envious of the carefree look in her sweet five-year-old eyes and loved seeing her sincere little girl smile. A real smile, not a mere masquerade to spare those around of whats hurting inside.

My heart was terribly bruised because of a breakup, and I thought I'd never, ever get over it. Him.

After my niece fell asleep my sister Emily popped her head in the room and said something I'll never forget:
"I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will get over him. And you will realize that you have the whole world ahead of you. And that you deserve so much better. Someday you will see that the best thing he ever did for you was breakup with you."
It's been three years since she said this and another two or three heartbreaks have occurred in the meantime. And she was right. (Oh older siblings and their always having wisdom that you hate to admit is brilliant. ;) )


So, naturally, when I read this essay it made me weepy, and a little nauseous, because some sentences, some of the excuses quoted, I've said those exact same words to myself.
You try to accept his lack of initiative to introduce you to his family and friends - “I should just be patient and wait for him to warm up to that idea.” You try to accept how he seldom texts you first - “It’s not that he doesn’t miss me or think of me; he’s just not the texting type.” You try to be okay with him choosing his other friends over you more regularly - “It’s fine, we both should have our own lives.” You begin to accept that he doesn’t really want to share his life with you - “He likes it more to listen to me talk; he’s a good LISTENER.” You think that it’s okay that he doesn’t want to talk about certain things - “I can wait. He will get comfortable with me soon enough.”
So, I want to get a microphone, climb to the roof of the tallest building in Munich, and read this essay at the top of my lungs. Because while the truth hurts---oh, how it can hurt--it also opens up the whole world to you.

That's what we all deserve in a relationship. Someone you love--and loves you--to share that whole world with.

For those of us not lucky enough to have mister-totally-wrong-for-you end it for us, I hope this gives you the guts to do the best thing you could ever do for yourself--refuse to settle.

And, to the misters who broke my heart. Thank you.
Thank you for realizing I deserve better. 

“Just because someone desires you, does not mean that they value you.”
Read it over. 
Let those words resonate in your mind.

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Thursday, July 25, 2013

The opposite of closure.

Slowly, even before you said "I don't know what I want."
Faster, when you said you did know, and it wasn't with me.
A bit haphazardly when you returned with need for closure, yet with a need for continued friendship.

And now all at once.

Because actions speak louder than words -- and words left unanswered say more than any words could attempt to convey.

You said you wanted a friendship. What you really wanted was a second chance on reserve. 

And that's the opposite of closure.
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Friday, July 12, 2013

All in a week's time.

Munich. 7/12/2013

When I arrived in Munich last week I was lucky enough to be immediately whisked off to a village in the Alps for a work excursion. The scenery was astonishing, the people fascinating, and I couldn't have asked for a better start to my new job.

Then we came back and life resumed and for me this meant I was running paperwork all about Munich, living out of suitcases in a hotel, and trying desperately to find an apartment, or rather, a room to rent.

This all, of course, occurring among sights and smells and sounds that take me back to some extraordinary moments. Only after they take me back, they leave my heart in a puddle on the floor. So, I stop, pick up the pieces, shove them back into my chest the best I can, and continue on to the next meeting, rushing to so many appointments utterly baffled by the fact I continue to mix up "Platz" and "Strasse" (which, if you've lived in Germany, can understand how detrimental this can prove to be).

And then I decided to attend the disko with some new Irish gents from the hotel and we had a blast. As I was belting Journey's "Don't stop believing" at the top of my lungs I reached for my back pocket looking for my iPhone. It was gone. Of course it was.

I didn't cry. I was angry and frustrated and felt defeated. And I saw the guy who took it. I approached him and confronted him, but he didn't speak English and in what German he spoke, assured me he knew nothing. So I decided to let it go. I sat down and was so angry at myself. It's as though I just gave it away, the way I had carried it. I'm equally to blame.

The kind gents bought me an ice water to cool me down (literally and figuratively) and as soon as I went to take a sip, I got bumped into and chipped my front tooth. (Not so noticeably, but disconcerting nonetheless.)

So it's safe to say I got off to a rough start. I broke down Tuesday in tears and felt beyond lost. I cried and prayed and simply went back to bed.

The next day I received a call about a dream apartment with chic roommates and today I got my key. Yesterday I met new friends at the Biergarten and I am buying a new rug for my new room tomorrow.

Though I may have a wee chip in my tooth and remain absolutely devastated about the disappearance of my new iPhone, I must say I am over the moon excited about the way this week turned around.

After all, I still have my old iPhone (3 years old and still going strong!) and the other 3/4 of my tooth, my health, and rad roommates to boot!

And that nostalgic heart of mine, day by day, it's more and more faithful that the best is yet to come; that before was great, but was merely a sip of the goodness that is love.

Big love and kisses from Munich.

"None of us can choose where we shall love."

P.S. I did try the "Find My iPhone" app but was not successful. They have yet to logon using Wi-Fi... but when it does, it will alert them of its disappearance and then delete all of my information.

P.P.S. This was like medicine for my heart and soul.

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