anxiety, cope, Fate, hope, january 2014, mental illness, ramblings, words from my heart, writing from the heart

This new year.

New Year’s Eve 2013.

If I said things were going just peachy at the moment I think you could probably sense the fact that isn’t true from 10 million miles away. Things are tough. Yes, I have a job I am beyond thankful to have. Yes, I have family and friends that love me. Yes, I have a place to rest my head at night, a place to escape the plunging temperatures. 

But when your heart is heavy and your mind is racing with anxieties, it’s hard to take a minute to enjoy much of anything. Especially when you try to focus on your breathing to deter panic attacks that are always one small trigger away. It’s pretty scary. And the fear climbs on and clings to your bones like its your koala baby and its life is dependent on its ability to latch onto you. Maybe a parasite metaphor would have been more appropriate…

Here’s a inconclusive summary of my mind as of late:

I miss Munich. I do. I wish I could have gotten my Visa. What if that was it? What if I won’t find my dream job again? What if I’m supposed to be there, but I am here? What if I could have done something? Where is my life going? Why is everyone else so calm? How are they? There’s obviously something wrong with my mind. I’m always a thought away from a full-on panic attack. I am bad at life. I miss him. I can see he wouldn’t miss me. Does he? He might. Does it matter? Is this as good as it gets? Was that taste of my dream life just God being cruel? Do I really trust that everything happens for a reason? How can other people be so good at this life thing? I can barely function. I need to exercise more. That would help. I need to change. I need to figure out my life. Everyone else has it figured out. What can I do? I miss them. I want to tell everyone who has been hurting my feelings lately that they have been doing just that. But I can’t. It’s my own problem. I’m too sensitive. I miss Munich. I wonder what life would be like if I were there now. I have to stop analyzing everything so much. I haven’t heard from them in a while, I bet they are mad at me…I need to change.

I think exhausting is too simple a word. 

Maybe you feel the same way? Or have you before? How do you get by? And, I’m truly stuck on this notion: Do you believe in fate? Do share your wisdom!


❝ … always rub honey into wounds instead of salt. ❞– Meggie Royer
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cope, healing heartbreak, hope, Munich II., ramblings, write it out, writing from the heart

The opposite of closure.


Slowly, even before you said “I don’t know what I want.”
Faster, when you said you did know, and it wasn’t with me.
A bit haphazardly when you returned with need for closure, yet with a need for continued friendship.

And now all at once.

Because actions speak louder than words — and words left unanswered say more than any words could attempt to convey.

You said you wanted a friendship. What you really wanted was a second chance on reserve. 

And that’s the opposite of closure.

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Fall 2010, growing up, hope, life lesson, little reminders of life, ramblings, Senior Year, thoughts, tumblr, understanding

On Life, Love & coincidences.

did you ever notice the way a stranger’s smile can turn your bad day around?
how much sweeter reunions are, the longer you’ve been apart.
how much you appreciate warm weather in the winter, and cool weather in the summer.
how great it feels to relax after a week of going non-stop.

life is weird like that.  but in the same way, life is beautiful like that

and i think it is the same for Love.
the more you hold Love in, the less Loved you feel.
the more you let yourself Love, the more Love you experience.
the more you Love, the harder you sometimes fall.
but most importantly…

the harder you fall for the wrong Love, the more you open yourself up for the right Love.

and when you fall for the right one, you are forever held by the wings of Love, never allowing you to fall again.

xo-

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funny, junior year, life lesson, ramblings, random

recent ramblings. (i’m sorry, i just love alliteration.)

(this post is going to be random & not well thought out. just a head’s up. for this i apologize, sweet readers.)

isn’t that picture silly? i am continuing to giggle as i am writing this, looking at that.

i think it describes my mood as of late. i can’t describe it with words, but this picture captures it perfectly.

first things first– winter is getting old. i know that everyone is saying the same thing. but winter needs to be clear on knowing that he has outstayed his welcome, by a lot.

also, school is getting quite busy. it stinks. i rarely have time to keep up with reading all of your beautiful blogs & it makes me super grumpy.

and the other day at sonic i ordered a corn dog even though i have always hated them. update: i still hate them. but, hey, they deserved a fair chance.

this leads me to my next realization. i have the palete of a six year old. i only really like hershey chocolate, i prefer macaroni and cheese when given as an option, i will order chicken fingers any and every time they are on any menu. sadly that is pretty much the extent of palate. i know, i know, it’s really ridiculous. (at least my sister emily and i agree that homemade lasagna pales in comparison to stauffer’s in the tin foil pan…what’s with that homemade chunky cheese that looks like crumbs, anyway?!) but all in all, i eat like a six year old.

my bestie michelle & i have been working on a new blog–read about it here. & check it out! : )

So, i listen to the radio in the mornings i drive to school. every wednesday they do a feature i love–but i must be on the bus at 7:45a.m. & the conclusion of the feature isn’t done until 7:50a.m… every week i have to quickly decide if the conclusion would be worth being two minutes late to class-today it wasn’t. two weeks ago it was. the worst part was a girl from class was at the bus stop while i was sitting in my car yelling at the radio to hurry up and tell me. she went on the first bus, i came late. she knew what was up, well that i am ridiculous. so wednesday’s seem to always start out in a bit of a panic, deciding what to do in regards to my radio dilemma.

ok, ok–that is enough crazy for one day…

i hope you all are doing wonderful–
& thank you, thank you for the sweet comments,
they keep me motivated during the weeks!


signing off from the hotmess express…
xo

p.s. why is something awesome referred to as “extraordinary”? to me it sounds like it is just really really ordinary… like it is especially ordinary… extra + ordinary? weird. huh?

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bloggin, concert, crushes, favorites, funny, handsome, joy that little things bring, ku memories, life lesson, memories, ramblings, silly, sophomore year, tumblr, winter 2009

my note to a crush…once upon a time.

{via: tumblr.}

update to last week’s post...

so i must tell you about a time i actually told a crush that i liked him!

last winter i decided to go out to a show with a couple of friends…

we laughed. we danced. we sang along with the bands. it was grand!

well as the night went on i decided to go outside to call a friend & see what she was up to. as i stood in the freezing cold, attempting to dial my cell with my mittens on (my life in a nutshell.) a cute boy said he liked my red coat & asked me about how i was enjoying the show… (& by cute i mean adorably charming & equally handsome.)

we began to talk & it turns out his band was headlining… i had no idea who they even were, which made for an awkward moment when he asked me which band i was there to see & my response of…“Oh, I’m just here because there wasn’t much going on tonight…” (silly, silly Anna. WHO says that? WHO?!)

we discussed his new move to Kansas from Seattle & about how his mother was from Germany, so he, too, spoke German.

our shy conversation was soon cut short after his brother & band-mates came out to get him to prepare to play. as he left he said “i hope you stay to watch, that would be great.”

i was so flustered and looking back i was so silly.

once returning to my friends inside i went to the bar & asked for a small piece of paper & a sharpie marker.
i wanted to write him a note.

i simply wrote:

Dear cute-boy-from-Seattle,

If you ever want to go on an adventure around Lawrence you should let me know,i know some of the loveliest places.

xoxo
the-girl-in-the-red-coat

(oh, & i wrote it in German.)

my friend then delivered it to him, saying it was from me. she said he smiled and opened it quickly.

after the show he found me and said he hoped i had enjoyed it…he then smiled sweetly & said goodbye.

honestly, i figured he had thrown it away, or just stuffed it in his pocket to be forgotten, but a week later i got a sweet text explaining the late response.
he had “lost the note in his guitar case and had been searching all week for it”

i was so excited, i never thought he would even think twice!…

we did hang out & we had a great time, but in the end it just didn’t work out.

it was a silly adventure, nevertheless! : )
xo-

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Fall 2009, little reminders of life, missing you, ramblings, school

is it friday, yet?

{via: tumblr.}

dearest darlings,

this week has been quite funky. everything has just felt a little…off. you know what i mean? perhaps i was too spoiled by our fall break last week & got too comfortable lounging around, sipping apple cider & watching the office all day…

anywho, i’ve been super busy with lots of exciting projects, & of course, with all of my courses… math 101 has been stealing so much of my time away from your lovely blogs!! math is not my friend…

i’ll definitely update you soon about all the goodies i’ve been working on!!
don’t think i’ve forgotten about you, i could never!

hugs to You all!

p.s. if you want to contribute a special something special for the october giveaway email me (aeallen@gmail.com) & let me know! i need a little help… (wink, wink, etsy-ers, wink, wink…)

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2009, college, cope, faith, Fall 2009, flickr, heartbreak, hope, junior year, little reminders of life, my future, ramblings, school, thoughts, truth

i wonder…

{via: flickr.}

sometimes i wonder how one day can be absolutely happy for no particular reason.
i wonder why some days our hearts are far more tender than normal. i wonder how people can say such disheartening things. i wonder if maybe i have done something to make someone else sad. i wonder what people are thinking about in their hearts as they go about their daily lives.

perhaps the girl reading flashcards on the bus is suffering from a newly broken heart- the boy across the aisle in class, who stares ahead so very intently, maybe his mind is running non-stop with about fears of losing his ill grandfather– & maybe the shy girl in the front row, who takes diligent notes, is really about to explode with excitement over a wonderful date from the night before…
people hide so much from the world, i think we all do.

i wonder how sometimes i can be laughing about something so very silly & within the next minute be brought to tears from something which hurts my heart so. & then there are days in which nothing seems to be going right & you wonder if you were naive for having woken up with a feeling of hope for the day. the day which later would slowly prove to be a day of disappointments.

today i became very discouraged. i wondered how much my life would be impacted by a low grade on a single test, or the fact that i forgot one little assignment.
then i realized:
it can matter for the moment, but i won’t let it sour my overall feelings.
i will be sad. i will feel disappointed…but at the end of the day i must dust myself off, get up off the ground, and let the world know that i will sometimes fail.

but my failures will only make me wiser, make me stronger, make me me.

xo-

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