anxiety, february 2014, growing up, healing heartbreak, heartache, love, read it love it, words from my heart, write it out

Heart to Heart.

I had dinner with my dear friend Gabby earlier this week and was reminded of how important these conversations are. How talking with a kindred spirit is always crucial in not losing sight of what you’re hopes are and why we get out of bed every morning in the first place.

I have so many wonderful friends who take time to talk me through my inevitable over-analyzing and moments of complete confusion. I can’t imagine what I’d do without them.

It’s weeks like this that I need them most. You see, I tend to let myself fall for people that aren’t necessarily right for me, and this time was no different. (Well, only slightly, because falling for a close friend only complicates everything. But that’s neither here nor there. For the moment, anyway…) But even in the wake of hearing “I never cared as much as you do” or “I will never feel that way about you” I manage to always come slinking out of the trenches, crawl right back into the arms of my friends, always waiting there to take be back in, wipe off my tears, and remind me of what this whole thing is all about, in the first place:

Love. (And self love, at that.)

So as I sit here, a bit blue because of certain revelations, and I can’t help but be absolutely astounded by how many great friends I have in this beautiful (though albeit, sometimes a bit emotionally treacherous) life of mine. And, how many people I have rooting me on along the way. I can’t even begin to convey how much this means to me.

Lastly, to you: thank you.

Thank you so much for your support throughout the life of this blog. It’s a blessing to have such wonderful support from so many wonderful people. And if you’re struggling right now, know you aren’t alone. And to soldier on, no matter how bleak things seem.

Because if you will, I will. Promise.

One moment at a time, dear ones. That’s all we must do.

Some especially great words of wisdom that have been sent my way lately:

p.s. This on repeat.

How wild it was, to let it be.
— Cheryl Strayed

blessed, life lesson, little reminders of life, love, thanksgiving 2013


Thanksgiving 2013.

And thanks will never be strong enough a word to convey what I feel. All I know is that I believe in my story, and I believe in yours. The fact it’s a story in motion, a story of healing and change, a story for which I am forever thankful.


If you’re reading this, if there’s air in your lungs on this November day, then there is still hope for you. Your story is still going. And maybe some things are true for all of us. Perhaps we all relate to pain. Perhaps we all relate to fear and loss and questions. And perhaps we all deserve to be honest, we all deserve whatever help we need. Our stories are all so many things: Heavy and light. Beautiful and difficult. Hopeful and uncertain. But our stories aren’t finished yet. There is still time, for things to heal, change, and grow. There is still time to be surprised. We are stories still going, you and I. We are stories still going. – Jamie Tworkowski 

becoming a writer, blessed, career, faith, God, hope, life lesson, love, new adventures, post-degree, post-munich, updates, write it out

Updates and rambles.

I’ve been swimming in words lately, lapping them up every chance I get. Audio books on the way to work. Reading and writing at work. More audio books on the way home. Reading books about words. Books about books. I absolutely love it. But putting my own thoughts down, letting them trickle out here and there, well that has been rather impossible lately.

It’s most likely because I don’t want to be alone with my own words. My words and thoughts that are scratching and clawing, ravaging to get out. Meanwhile shaking up all my thoughts and shattering the sentences I had perfectly constructed in my mind, ready to compose here.

So here they are. In all their shook-up glory. Perhaps it’s best if I just update you as best I can with the words I have to offer you today…

I started a new job. I love it. I’m a copywriter. I get to be creative all day long and collaborate with brilliant creatives and allow the buzz in the air — the kind of buzz you feel in a newsroom, or perhaps a science lab, anywhere ideas are coming to life — to fuel my soul. It’s the kind of job I dreamt of having. And here I am. Blessed.

I’m in Kansas City, close to family, friends, and the world’s greatest BBQ. I’ve got no gripes on that front (though I ache endlessly for my Munich). But here’s where I am. Right now. Where God had me scheduled to be. On his own timetable.

But, of course, things are complicated. I’ve started accepting that unconventional routes are my soul’s favorite and that, so far, they’ve led me to wonderful adventures. This route is a bit more familiar, but nonetheless new and allowing for so much growth to be had.

And, last but not least, there’s a boy. (There’s always a boy, it seems.) No, I take that back. There’s a man. I say man because he differs so much from the boys of my relationships past. But he’s far away from me (for now) and I’m far away from him (for now) so it makes it a bit more complicated. Where it’ll lead, well, who knows? But I pray somewhere great; somewhere wonderful. All in time, I suppose.

Besides having this song on repeat, I’m just taking it one day at a time. That’s all a gal can do, after all.


Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.
—  Alice Walker, Living by the Word
blogging, healing heartbreak, life lesson, love, readers, words from my heart, write it out

With a little help from friends.

A few weeks ago I received an email from a dear reader who was going through a heartbreak. She asked me for advice–which is beyond flattering–and this is the reply I came up with (after many drafts). I hope it helped her, I know that it managed to helped me.


Dearest darling,

First of all, a big BIG hug to you. This heartache your feeling is raw, and you’re such a tender soul right now. Take a second to breath, and know that you are SO loved by so many people. You got that, sister? Ok? Ok. 🙂

Secondly, oh boys. And I say boys because I dated someone who sounds crazy similar to your boy — and that’s exactly how they behaved — like boys. But we accept it, because we think they will turn into men sooner than later and the sad part is, sometimes they take years! Or never even grow up! But you can’t let him stop YOUR growing because of his own issues.
Oh the being in a happier place than your significant other. Such a situation I have found myself in, as well. It’s hard, because you and I are caring, encouraging people. We see them and think: Hey! You’re doing great! Keep climbing! And they see us and hear: Oh hurry up! What’s taking so long! Which is not at all what we mean. But again, they are boys who don’t think like logical men.

This may be the hardest part of all, but I am telling you this from the side of the heartbroken: cut off all communication. Hide his Facebook updates, delete his number from your phone, and try and explain to your friends that  you need to be away from him until you feel better.  In my humble opinion staying friends so fresh after a breakup never, ever works. With two of my exes–both of which I was head-over-heels–they responded to none of my reaching out to them after the breakup. I found this to be cruel cruel cruel. But, three years later, I saw one of them and thanked him for this time of healing. I THANKED HIM! Because he knew that it would just drag the process out longer.  It’s like ripping off a band-aid. You either do it slowly and feel every singe of pain for each individual piece,  or you rip that puppy off and get it over with! I highly recommend the latter.

I also want to point out that when things get serious, it terrifies boys, because they aren’t used to feeling such strong emotions! So, to protect themselves, I am of the opinion that they run from anything to keep themselves from getting hurt. But this is not your fault, nor is it mine. It’s just the nature of the beast.

Take some time for you, let him see that if he really wants space, you’ll give it to him, and let him see that the pain of losing you isn’t worth it! And, if he still is scared, he’s not the one for you. You know that saying “let it go, if it comes back, it’s yours; if not, it never was?” I find that to be quite true sometimes.

I know you and he have a love that is between you two. It will always be there. And it will always be unique to you two. That’s the best part about love, there’s never the same love twice, so you’ll always be in each other’s hearts!

I hope this helps a bit, dear friend. I know this is very hard to believe, but your heart will heal. It really will! And you’ll be stronger for it. But in the meantime, embrace your emotions. Please don’t drink them away, because that only turns them into monsters. And love, eat, and stay healthy. That is so hard to do–ask my friends and they’d tell ya I’m the worst when it comes to these things–but please do. Take a shower everyday and buy yourself a fantastic new nail polish or lipstick. One that reminds you every time you see it that you’re healing!

So much love to you and don’t hesitate if you need to talk!
Big hugs!

And if you need to talk, I’m always here.
After all, we’re all in this together. 


heartbreak, long-distance, love, munich 2013, quote of the week, spring 2013

{Quote of the Week.}

But to know the pain of losing someone to distance is to remember it forever. There is something about it which feels so deeply unfair, so callous, so uncaring in the face of all that you have together. You want to look at the sky and know that the other person sees what you see, call out to them that you still remember what it was like when you were able to hold hands. You want so badly to cover a thousand miles in a single step and you cry at the permanent indifference of the map. When love fails to bridge these enormous gaps, it serves to remind us of how precious the moments we have with the ones we love are today. 

When Long-Distance Love Fails By Chelsea Fagan 

blessed, heartbreak, hope, love, tv

With a little help from my friends.

I’ve been watching Friends, Skyping with friends and family back home, reading and appreciating the messages you all have sent me.

And even when I feel just awful, my God, what love surrounds me.

Obsessed with this site right now. 

“Ross, hi.  It’s Rachel.  I’m just calling to say that, um, everything’s fine.  And I’m really happy for you and your cat – who, by the way, I think you should name Michael.  And, you know, you see there, I’m thinking of names, so, obviously, I am over you.  am over you.  And that, my friend, is what they call closure.”

Also, I am the kind of person that has to have closure. Has to. I can’t decide if it’s a good thing or not, but really, it helps me. So who cares what everyone else thinks?