Fate, God is Love, God's plan, happiness, hope, january 2014, joy that little things bring, life, Wills and Kate, write it out

Allow the sorrow to shake away.

Though I’ve been pretty much in a funk this week, I decided I wouldn’t let that keep me down. 

I discovered an old “dreamboard,” (a section of which is pictured above) and was blown away by how many of the things I posted came true. You guys, even more goodness happened than I could have imagined. I mean, I spent last Valentine’s Day on one of the most romantic dates of my life, in one of the most beautiful cities I’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting, let alone living in for more than a year… and have I ever told you about that time I went on date in London with a stunningly charming chap back in 2011? I flew from Glasgow to London for 26 hours just for a date with him? Yes, this happened. Or the time a Danish man swept me off my feet in a beer garden, quite literally… he may have been in one of the pictures I featured in my summing up 2013 post. 😉

Needless to say, that board brought with it everything I could have hoped for, cut-out and posted, and so, SO much more. 

So earlier this week, while I was sitting in the doctor’s office about to burst into tears, I reminded myself how flippin’ much has happened in a mere three years. THREE YEARS. Holy moly. Imagine what is in store? For me? For YOU?! The world, my dears, is very much in our grasp.

I used to sing He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands back in Sunday School and what truth that is. The difference between then and now is the fact I realize that He wants to share the whole world with us, too… so long as we loosen our grasps on what we think needs to happen and simply accept every beautiful thing and opportunity He passes our way.

What a beautiful concept. 

This week included lots of sleep (on account of the funk and illness); brand new sheets, which feel like Heaven; The Office on repeat; attempts at getting back into Yoga; heart-to-hearts with dear friends; meditation; reading this series; and, of course, lots of Kate Middleton fandom. She’s perfect. 😉

I hope your weekend is wonderful, sweet friends. Make it wonderful. Splurge on some new sheets, wonderful lotion, and a lot of time to revel in what is, what has been, and what could very well be. And make a dreamboard! I certainly am working on mine. Erm, well, mine’s more of a Moleskin format this time… will share more about that soon. 😉 


❝ Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place. — Rumi
Fate, hope, january 2014, joy that little things bring, life decisions, life lesson, words from my heart, write it out

Tackling joy.

First of all, thank you for all of your support since my post last week. From emails and tweets, to every comment with suggestions and stories of your own struggles, thank you. You have no idea how much your outreach has helped me.

I’ve come to peace with a few things since last week’s rather rocky happenings. Mostly, that I do, in fact, believe firmly that everything happens for a reason. I tried to deny this the past few months since my return and it has been utterly exhausting. Mid-cry last week, in the middle of the night, I finally admitted to myself that as much as I yearned to, as much as I fought to, I would never be able to change how people treat me, nor how things might unfold from other’s behavior. However, I am in charge of the following: my behavior, and my reactions to what happens to me. That’s it. The rest lies in the Universe. God. Etc. And holy moly, accepting this, realizing this, coming to terms with this… what a relief. I feel as though a literal weight has been lifted from my shoulders. But I have also started to realize how much of my own happiness relies solely on me.

So I’ve started trying to take care of exactly that: Things I can control. I spent most of the weekend watching movies I’ve been dying to see, writing lists of what makes me happy day-to-day, writing, focusing on my health, and meditating. It sounds all to lifestyle magazine-ish, I know, but it’s been a game changer. My therapist, who, if I’m being 100% honest here, I hadn’t seen for months because I was “mad at him…” even said he could feel that I had made a sort of breakthrough. You guys, I was in a fight with my therapist (unbeknownst to him). If that’s not a sign that I hit rock bottom, I don’t know what is.

So here I am, feeling admittedly better. Of course this feelings comes in ebbs and flows. Some hours, minutes really, are better than others. But the most important thing is I am here. I am not in bed giving up. Because for far too many days that’s exactly where I was, exactly what I was doing. I am here.

I’m currently taking time to do things that used to make me happy, and it’s one of those things where forcing myself to do them reminds me of how much I enjoyed them in the first place. Pinning, yoga-ing, reading… it feels good. Your mind has this ability to build on your unhappiness and convince you joy no longer exists. Try not to let it fool you. Joy is there. It always has been. It is our job to tackle it. Make it ours again. No matter how much our mentality may oppose this notion.

Beyond this, I’m back to keeping lists on what I hope for this year… last time I did this — kept a physical list — everything I wrote down happened. Just putting that out there. 😉

I’ve always been a believer, and I am realizing that I always will be. And I’m OK with this. Overjoyed, really.

❝ I still get very high and very low in life. Daily. But I’ve finally accepted the fact that sensitive is just how I was made, that I don’t have to hide it and I don’t have to fix it. I’m not broken. — Glennon Doyle Melton
anxiety, cope, Fate, hope, january 2014, mental illness, ramblings, words from my heart, writing from the heart

This new year.

New Year’s Eve 2013.

If I said things were going just peachy at the moment I think you could probably sense the fact that isn’t true from 10 million miles away. Things are tough. Yes, I have a job I am beyond thankful to have. Yes, I have family and friends that love me. Yes, I have a place to rest my head at night, a place to escape the plunging temperatures. 

But when your heart is heavy and your mind is racing with anxieties, it’s hard to take a minute to enjoy much of anything. Especially when you try to focus on your breathing to deter panic attacks that are always one small trigger away. It’s pretty scary. And the fear climbs on and clings to your bones like its your koala baby and its life is dependent on its ability to latch onto you. Maybe a parasite metaphor would have been more appropriate…

Here’s a inconclusive summary of my mind as of late:

I miss Munich. I do. I wish I could have gotten my Visa. What if that was it? What if I won’t find my dream job again? What if I’m supposed to be there, but I am here? What if I could have done something? Where is my life going? Why is everyone else so calm? How are they? There’s obviously something wrong with my mind. I’m always a thought away from a full-on panic attack. I am bad at life. I miss him. I can see he wouldn’t miss me. Does he? He might. Does it matter? Is this as good as it gets? Was that taste of my dream life just God being cruel? Do I really trust that everything happens for a reason? How can other people be so good at this life thing? I can barely function. I need to exercise more. That would help. I need to change. I need to figure out my life. Everyone else has it figured out. What can I do? I miss them. I want to tell everyone who has been hurting my feelings lately that they have been doing just that. But I can’t. It’s my own problem. I’m too sensitive. I miss Munich. I wonder what life would be like if I were there now. I have to stop analyzing everything so much. I haven’t heard from them in a while, I bet they are mad at me…I need to change.

I think exhausting is too simple a word. 

Maybe you feel the same way? Or have you before? How do you get by? And, I’m truly stuck on this notion: Do you believe in fate? Do share your wisdom!

❝ … always rub honey into wounds instead of salt. ❞– Meggie Royer
Fate, goodbyes, heartbreak, life changes, life lesson, march 2013, munich 2013, spring 2013

We’ll always have Munich.

It was not my home. 
It was not yours.

The city was a new playground for us — a fresh canvas upon which we could paint our own experiences without the traces of the past muddling our present.

We were unknown to each other. Unknown to the city. Unknown to the future.

We made every inch of that city our own. We ran to catch subways and declared the corner of the main station our home-base. We’d meet for lunch and just wish for time to stand still. We’d rush and hope that the obligations of life would just let us be. If only for a minute. If only for one more kiss.

We knew each minute passing was working against us. Our time together was finite. Finite and rarely spoken of.

We dodged that truth like we dodged the traffic in the main square.

It was too painful a truth.

As with all truths, they eventually demand to make themselves known.

They come barreling at your like a freight train. Insistent to remind you that it was all too good to be true — nothing this good has ever lasted for you. Why should it now?

Time and truth, they grabbed our things and kicked us out of our new city and we gave in. We were too weak to fight. Too heartsick to refute.

In a week you will be gone. And not long after I will be, too.  — And we do not know when fate will allow us to cross paths again. (I pray to God every night that it will be soon.)

But as I told you, as we held each other before saying goodbye;

We’ll always have Munich.
which we may not always call home, 
but it will forever be ours.

Fate, germany 2012, God, God is Love, growing up, life lesson, little reminders of life, munich 2012

Longitude, latitude, and letting life happen.

I remember sitting in the university library and having an overwhelming urge to take a trip to Scotland. I had been following and adoring the hilarious Helen and her blog and was excited when she invited me to visit. I was just as excited when my parents were ok with the whole thing. I had been abroad once before when I was sixteen for an exchange program, but never had I spent anytime alone in a hotel. But they agreed to put my Christmas money toward the trip and that was that.

Two months later I found myself walking the streets of Glasgow, having a hotel room all to myself, and laughing the days away while exploring with Helen.

I knew this was what I needed. Time alone. Time to grow, stretch, reachon my own. It was during those ten days in the UK that I decided to search for opportunities to au pair

What I learned, most of all from that brilliant, inspiring trip, was that when things are meant to be, they don’t have to be forced; things will fall into place when you let them.

This is one of the biggest things I struggle with; “Letting go & letting God,” as my sweet mother would say.

But I’m trying. Lord knows I’m trying. And so far, I think I’m making progress, or hope so, at least. Bit by bit. Piece by piece. My heart is starting to pace itself; my mind is starting to relax.

Nowafter having faith and patienceI find myself here. It’s more wonderful than I could have ever imagined or planned.

And that’s why I’m no longer a hopeless romantic; rather, my heart is overflowing with hope.