cope, faith, life changes, life lesson, Munich II., my life, post-degree, summer 2013, write it out

The post that almost wasn’t.

[Munich. August 21, 2013.]

The time it takes to spill your guts–or perhaps the time it takes to summon the guts to tell your story–always differs from situation to situation. Either way, guts are involved and it’s messy and makes you feel like your showing everyone your “insides” while everyone else shows their best “outsides.” It’s taken me a while to spill these particular guts of mine because in a way, I’ve been hoping for a different ending to this particular situation.

And of course, I think it’s important to show the vulnerable parts of ourselves. But you surely knew that already. I write about it often.

My horoscope for this week from The Rumblr’s  Madame Clairevoyant (though it’s admittedly not based on much astrology, if any; and I am not a so much a believer of astrology; it’s my favorite horoscope):

Taurus: This is a week for talking all the time; it’s a week for telling your life and telling your secrets; it’s a week for spilling everything you’ve ever kept inside you. It’s a week for talking things through and talking things over and making yourself heard. It’s a week for letting your speech go a little wild, for letting your speech show you things you didn’t even think you knew. Don’t spend too much time alone this week, if you can. Spend your days out in the world, spend your days talking, spend your days singing.

 So here I am, getting a little wild. With my words.

I moved back to Munich at the beginning of July. Oh the hopes I had! My new job was everything I had wanted! I found a dreamy apartment with incredible roommates! Oh the greatness. Oh the hopes. Oh how high, high high I was flying.

And then the company had complications getting my visa so I sat around Munich, waiting for the phone to ring, eager to throw on my snazzy new digs and nude heals and finally get to start work. As always, the longer I waited the higher my hopes flew. By this time I suspect they were halfway between the Earth and Mars.

You know where this is going, don’t you? I knew you would.

Of course my company then, at the beginning of August, tells me they will need more time to try for a visa for me. So I should pack up and move back home. (As if I lived a mere 20 miles away, not halfway around the world, mind you.)

I don’t know what devastated me more: the fact that I would have to say goodbye to Munich once again, or the fact that my dream was in the palm of my hands, and it’s as though, finger by finger, it was pried from my grasp. The initial sobbing on the cool, hardwood floors was most likely because of my pride. My pride was bruised, and I felt as though I had been the butt of a huge joke. As the situation became more and more real to me, the more I realized that this wasn’t a bad dream, or that I hadn’t been the butt of a joke, but that this was my life, the more it hurt. The more I mourned for what was, what could have been. Trying to accept that this was somehow apart of my life for a reason and, at the moment, I have no idea why.

I do know that I’m trying to make the best of my time left in Munich. And I’m grateful I got to consult for such a great company for even just a short time. But I also know that my heart feels as though it’s been stomped on. My dreams have been yanked out from right underneath me and it’s a hurt you just can’t explain. It feels suspiciously like a breakup. And I don’t know how much more this battered heart of mine can take this year.

So, for now, I am applying for jobs back in the States, perhaps doing some more work for the company (but back home), keeping my head high, hoping that this will make sense eventually. In the meantime, it’s one of those things you take day-by-day. Enjoy the moments as they come.

And pray to God this year will start to look up soon.

“You have so many layers, that you can peel away a few, and everyone’s so shocked or impressed that you’re baring your soul, while to you it’s nothing, because you know you’ve twenty more layers to go.” -Craig Thompson

quote of the week

{Quote of the Week.}

“You know what’s really, powerfully sexy? A sense of humor. A taste for adventure. A healthy glow. Hips to grab on to. Openness. Confidence. Humility. Appetite. Intuition. … Smart-ass comebacks. Presence. A quick wit. Dirty jokes told by an innocent-looking lady. … A storyteller. A genius. A doctor. A new mother. A woman who realizes how beautiful she is.” – Courtney E. Martin 

adventures, Munich II., photos, summer 2013

Munich happenings.

 [Munich. August 21, 2013.]

1. Doner Kebab flavored ice cream is not for me, but when someone offers you a taste, you must at least take a chance. // 2. Surfing in central Munich, what else? // 3. What I’d give to know where “L+T” are now; how their love story is unfolding. // 4. Watching the people watching the surfers is almost better than the actual surfers. // 5. Munich is full of love it seems. // 6. What a day.

“Your dream doesn’t have an expiration date. Take a deep breath and try again.”

blogging, life lesson, Munich II., summer 2013, write it out, writing a book

Please don’t mistake this for a ‘vague’ post, rather a ‘more to come’ post.

[Munich. Marienplatz August 18, 2013.]

These past few weeks I’ve been struggling with my balance of self and social media. (Using “self” in such a way makes me sound far more sound and in-tune with the world’s energy than I really am. But let’s go with it…) I love the idea of keeping in touch with a few taps of the keys and the double-click of the mouse. What a world to live in! People used to wait weeks, months to hear from their loved ones. For an impatient, riddled-with-anxiety person like me that sounds like torture. But this is the craziness that is this life: being a mere click away can cause fears, anxieties, and insecurities to rival message woes of time before. What’s worse than an unanswered message you ask?

An unanswered message with a “seen by recipient” written next to it. That’s what.

But I digress.

Writing a blog provides me with a whole new neuroses-filled grab-bag to explore.

Add to the Facebook status updates of engagements, babies, and new homes — mix-in blogs of impeccable, dreamy lifestyles, and a dash of Pinterest delusion and you, too, would find yourself a heap of mess on the floor, same song on repeat (this one in particular — Oh, God. Cue the tears even thinking about it) telling your roommates the blubbering they hear is your allergies, when your personal aspirations are yanked from your grasp.

I first thought to write things have been bad in the last month, but bad is such a lazy term and insinuates a plethora of situations that are not in, fact, happening.

I have my health.
I have my family.
I have my friends.
I am loved.

But I still am heartbroken over so much that has happened in the last month and I’m allowing myself to mourn what was loss: A lifelong dream.

And, when I’m feeling a bit less achy, a little less the-cool-hardwood-floor-against-my-cheeks-is-where-I-feel-safest, then I’ll be ready to share my losses. Get over my pride. And accept this situation for what it is.

I teeter on sharing such sorrows here on my blog, for fear that it will seem as though this is an ode to “woe is me,” however, I want this to be a place where I write my story, and my story is a bit shaky, at times cringe-worthy, full of love, and a whole lot of mistakes. But it’s also beautiful and full of blessings, and most of all, it’s a story in motion.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes sigh when reading other blogs and Facebook statuses, and I do hope their lives are as beautiful on the inside as they look on the outside. But mine’s a whole lot trickier than that and I can’t learn from anything if I pretend it’s anything but.

What I do know is that I want to tell my story — even with the heartbreak and cringe — in all its glory.

P.S. Since writing this post I have listened to the Big Bird solo more than 12 times. Thank you, Big Bird, for your inspiration.

“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought out principles rather than blind reflex. toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”- Alex Karras

quote of the week

{Quote of the Week.}

And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so damn personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. F— it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.

-Unknown via Writer’s Vineyard

archived, articles, graduation, kansan, ku memories, Senior Year, words from my heart, writing from the heart

From my personal archives: "Advice from a recent grad: What I wish I had known…"

[Graduation, May 2012, with Prof. B. One of the classiest, sassiest, most inspiring women I’ve had the privilege of having as a mentor.]

This is a column I wrote for our college paper, The University Daily Kansan, in 2012 for its Back to School issue. I wrote it specifically for KU students but feel college students from all over could relate to it as well. (At least, I hope so.) I hope you don’t mind me sharing it… p.s. this is before the copy editor polished it. The online version is not yet available. I apologize for the errors.

As my time as a student comes to end, I can’t help but reflect on the past five years (victory lap!) while Vitamin C’s “Graduation” plays in my mind… I’m not going to put you through that, but I would like to share some words of advice.  

I’m going to go ahead and get the cliches out of the way first: College flies by. Get involved. Take advantage of the opportunities. Have fun. Study hard. Don’t take these four (or five, or however many) years for granted. Be safe. You will someday look back on this time and miss it. You will. 

Now that those are out of the way (yet, so very true) I am going to add a few of my own “what I wish I had known while at KU” lessons. 

1. The library has the best, I repeat, best resources. Learn how to use them. I’m not even saying necessarily for your projects or papers, but did you know they have an entire DVD section? Or an entire row in the stacks dedicated to Scandinavian Royals? Me neither. I didn’t know this until my last semester. They also have subscriptions to some of the raddest, most expensive websites and databases in the world. If you want a book, they will find it and help you get it into your hands. Any book. Even if it’s flippin’ Amelia Bedelia, they will make it happen. Explore your hobbies and interests now. You have the best resources to do so.  

Also, most of your Western Civ. texts can be found online for free. Most of them are public domain and can be found on google books or somewhere of the like. Wait until after you find out how much of your textbook you’ll use in other classes, then you can decide if it’s worth buying. You can always find rentable texts in different libraries and departments. Honestly, I didn’t use 85% of my textbooks.  

2. Eat at the dining hall. I know, I know, it gets old. I felt the same way. But oh, how I wish I would have listened to my older siblings when they said, “Enjoy it now, because when you have to cook yourself, it’s the worst.” Seriously. My sister would still own a pass to Mrs. E’s if she could get one for her and the rest of her family. After all, who could ever tire of a cereal bar? I think I’ll miss that the most… 

3. Talk to your professors. They are people, believe it or not, and (most) are there because they really do want to help you learn. And (most) are experts on extremely specific topics. And (most) want to tell you about what they know. Go to office hours, email them if you have questions. Know what is worth debating and what is not. That extra credit you turned in and got five out of ten, let it go. Unless, of course, they are blatantly wrong. 

4. Put down your phones and talk to the people around you. After college, you’re probably rarely, if ever, going to be around so many people in the same life stage/situation as you. Everyone is here trying to get a degree (and do so while making the best of it). We’re all on the same playing field–help eachother out. Meet people who are interested in your same hobbies. You may never again see people with the same interests on a daily basis. But don’t stick to only groups that agree with what you think or like what you like. Explore different groups and make friends with all kinds of people. This is how you learn. 

5. I think this is probably the most important thing I wish I had known: Take control of your course order. I wish I had taken more general education classes at the beginning and avoided diving into so many major-specific classes. I have more than 12 credit hours that do not apply at all to my degree. I should have been more open to the idea I would maybe change my mind (which I did, five times) before deciding on a major. General eds: Get them done. Tell your advisor you want ones that are general to many schools and can count for at least something if you change your major. Be smart about your classes. Be open to new majors. Don’t assume you will graduate with the major you started in. If you do, props. Major props (pun intended). I wish I had had my stuff together. 

But most of all get off the computer and go sledding on snow days, tailgate before games, and go to the Union movies. Because Facebook will be around ten years down the road (or so we’re told) but you won’t be on campus forever. Yes, we’re always Jayhawks, but it’s a rare time of your life when you’re surrounded by 25,000 others who hold “Rock Chalk” to heart.

I miss University more than words could ever express. This is a chapter I long to return to, but life doesn’t work that way. All I can do is let those of you going into college or currently in its throws know that this is it. These are times you will miss. Be present. Cherish every single moment.


childhood, cope, God is Love, hard times, health, life lesson, memories, mom, my life, my mom

On this day in 2001.

My Mama and a wee niece Julia. July 4, 2007.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever talked about it before, but my mom has a brain tumor. She discovered it in the Spring of 2001, and after months of anxious waiting, on August 15, 2001, she had most of it removed. 
My brave Mama underwent brain surgery that lasted around 17 hours. It was unknown if she’d survive, and if so, the difficulties she would face physically. My mom, being the amazing lady she is, came through like a champ, with few side effects. 
12 happy, healthy years later we continue to be grateful for her good health and that she beat those stinkin’ odds. 
We love you to the moon and back, Mom–or as the grand kids say–Grandma Peg!
God is Good.
Yes, my soul, find rest in God; 
my hope comes from him.
Psalm 62:5