Clearly I am not doing so well at keeping up with my Lenten promise. But I’ll tell you why I didn’t — couldn’t — write something for the other day.
I was exhausted.
Not physically; emotionally.
Because sometimes I get tired of hiding how much I care for fear of “overwhelming” the one for whom I care. What kind of relationship is that anyway? Toning down how much you care for someone? I don’t understand. But if you read any magazine, book, any crap on “how to have a relationship,” it always seems to say “lay low, don’t show too much interest.”
But what if guys are reading the same mumbo-jumbo and then at the end of the day we are all walking around with all these thoughts and emotions buried in our hearts. For fear of showing too much?
My God, what a sad way to live.
But it’s exhausting because no matter how much I realize this, recognize the illogicality of it all, I’m far too afraid to go against the norm.
And I can’t decide which makes me sadder:
My lack of confidence in my self to share all the love I have to give–
or the fact that I’m so afraid to stand up for something I sincerely believe in, for fear of standing alone at the end of it all.
So I sat on my bed and cried. Not tears of sadness. Not tears of sorrow.Tears of exhaustion.
Because sometimes I think trying to tame your heart is more exhausting than trying to tame a lion.
(But of course, I only have experience with the former–so I can’t really say.)
To writing more and loving with all we have.