“I think I’m most scared of falling for someone who is still in love with their ex.”
The words I spoke at that moment were just as new to me as they were to you. I had no idea where that fear had come from–when I had developed such a fear. I truly think it was my heart trying to warn me through my own words.
“That’s absurd,” you replied.
I was relieved. A little bit embarrassed to have let something like that slip. Especially when you found it to be so “absurd”.
It wasn’t even a month later when I found out about her.
I found out it hadn’t been “years” since you were last in a relationship. Not even months, in truth. Maybe even weeks, I suspect. But I can’t believe anything you say, really.
Maybe I can’t be mad at you anymore. Maybe since I was the one who so desperately wanted to forget it all. Forget about her and you. Forget about any of the lies and only remember “pre-lies” you.
So I forged on. I continued to chalk it up to a fluke; not the real you.
I can only be mad at myself after the second, third, fourth … lie.
And I am mad at myself. And I wonder what kind of shape my heart has to be in to have accepted such lies and to have made so many excuses.
You can call me at five a.m.
But I will not answer.
I deserve better. As a friend. As a potential Love.
But you do not lie to Loves, or friends.
So right now, I really can’t consider you either.
Even though, in my heart, I wanted nothing more.
But not now.
I can’t deal with your lies anymore.
And if that’s all you know-
well then I can’t keep trying to trust you anymore.
I know you’re a good person at heart,
and I forgive you.
But now I must work on forgiving myself.
“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” –Robert Brault