college, growing up, Senior Year, writing for the heart

i apologize for these errors, rambles.

[april 2012.]

sometimes i feel like i’m kicking like mad to keep my head above water. just enough so that my eyes and nose are above the water. getting the minimum amount of air it takes to survive.

meanwhile, from the nose down, my body, muscles are exhausted and i struggle. struggle to keep myself up.

“it’d be so much easier to give up, sink to the bottom,” my mind sometimes begs.
“no, no. we’ve come this far,” i try and trick mind into believing.

april has always been a weird month for me. a different kind of weird than the weird i mentioned in february. it’s when everything comes to a head, projects are due, plans for summer are made, and you prepare goodbyes for those you’ll see again in august.

but this april is much different. this is my last april as a student. i’ll say goodbye to friends next month, but we may never live in the same city, state again. it’s entirely different. the jobs i apply for are now related to positions in which i dream of becoming my career.

it’s not merely going through the motions. this is it. this is when it all comes full circle. the hoops, the trials, the memories — they were all made to bring me to this time of my life. it’s scary. frightening really. but exciting beyond belief. who knows where these next few months will take me? i surely don’t, but i have a sneaky suspicion it’s about to get good. really good.

right now though? i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t absolutely, sick-to-my-stomach terrified — if i said i didn’t fall asleep after racing thoughts lead to a racing heart that eventually lulls me to rest.

so for now i keep kicking my legs and paddling with my arms to keep my head above water. because the shore is near, oh, so very near.

“I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change… I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back.” – Erica Jong


4 thoughts on “i apologize for these errors, rambles.

  1. I wish I had half as much foresight and understanding during my final April that you appear to have. The next phase is incredibly exciting, though, just in a very different way. Enjoy!


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