You cannot really be too concerned with what people think of you. You’re on you’re own adventure of growth and discovery. So it’s not always good to be who people think you are, especially if you subscribe to it as well … which is easily done, because then you don’t have to figure out who you are, you just ask somebody else.
– Tom Waits
The mere fact that places, scenes like these exist give me hope. Even though I may be hundreds of miles away from a mountain.
February is a tough month in my book. it’s the time of the semester when it all becomes a routine and you can barely see the light at the end of the tunnel. it becomes especially daunting in your senior (plus) year of university. because at the end of this school year you won’t be faced with a summer full of waiting and wishing for your friends to get back into town and getting your fall classes in order. this is the year it gets real. you are scrambling to write resumes, arrange meetings, finish projects, and paperwork out the wazoo. to say it’s a bit terrifying would be the understatement of the year.
i have a terrible flaw. many flaws. but one particularly awful one. when i get overwhelmed with anything, i become a recluse. i shy away into my room and come out for food. i can’t manage to get out and socialize with my friends, the ones who expect me to be heaps of fun. no, i rather sit in my room and lose track of time reading, watching tv, and trying to distance myself far from reality. it’s an awful trait. one i try and work on daily. but this winter it’s a ritual that has become quite familiar to me. i think the reason being a multitude of things, one of those things being the fact i miss my family in Germany heaps.
but i try and do the hour-by-hour trick, you know, where you just focus on getting through the day, bit-by-bit. i try to keep things in perspective, and i’m trying to change some habits. (like my unhealthy reliance on sugar.)
i’m approaching these changes with baby steps, and hope to really get a grip on these fears and anxiety-ridden thoughts soon.
because other than being unbelievably frustrating, this state i’m in is exhausting beyond words.
to the one who once kissed me on the swings:
i haven’t talked to you in years. it’s hard to believe, considering we once talked on aim for hours. but that was then, when our cares consisted mainly of whose mom would drop us at the movies on saturday night & what book report was due next. and now, now we are hundreds of miles apart. you’re doing your thing, i’m doing mine. though it’s strange to think of how close we once were, and how far we have managed to drift, it makes me happy to see that we both marched to the beat of drums we’ve always believed in. one of your dreams we used to talk about while swinging in the old park down the street from your house, it makes me so happy to see you living out that dream now. and earlier this year, when you messaged to let me know how happy you were to see me going after a dream i shared with you once, well i like to think of that as our way of saying we still have that teenage love. we may have outgrown it, evolved into new versions of ourselves that allow different kinds of love to shape us, but our teenage selves, we’ll always have each other’s hearts.
to the one who communicated in smiles:
you called me your american girl in letters you wrote after i met you in germany that young summer. we said – i think – three words to one another. i spoke to you in english, you responded in german. we were both confused. smitten. i have your letters in a drawer, and every time i revisit them i slip back into my 16 year old self. butterflies come to life, nerves take over. icq chimes in my distant memory. it didn’t work out. wasn’t meant to be. but we tried. years later we tried. and i am glad we did. because now we are lifelong friends. friends who love one another. but friends who aren’t in love with one another. though we once thought so. maybe we were, then. but now, now we just look forward to each other’s happiness. with whatever or whomever that might be. and someday, we’ll have one hell of a story for when our kids meet. hopefully on an exchange. just like we did.
to the one who crushed me unknowingly, but in turn became one of my best friends:
you never knew how unbelievably, head-over-heels, smitten i was with you. “being oblivious” is your thing. and after two hopeful years i finally understood that. but i also understood that you had become my best friend. and having you as a best friend was what you were destined to be. and i am so happy you crushed me. because in turn, we happened into this amazingly fun friendship. and now that i think back, we weren’t compatible. we would fight about sports far too often.
to the one who taught me to stand on my own:
you showed up out of nowhere. absolutely nowhere. and proceeded to flip my world upside-down. i loved that about you. you taught me that slow dancing on the sidewalks in the city does happen and being a romantic is a beautiful, beautiful thing. you supported my passions, you showed me what it was to put everything into your work. you taught me to chase my dreams, even if it meant sacrificing some things along the way. you had me in the palm of your hand. every ounce of me. but you gently set me down and walked away. and though i thought it was cruel and absurd, i’ve come to understand. you weren’t mine forever. we weren’t meant to be forever. you were there to show me what it meant to take risks, follow your heart, and love narwhals. what it means to have someone who supports your love. and you letting me go, well that just made me strong. strong enough to take risks. strong enough to stand on my own.
for that, you’ll forever be in my heart, right along side the wonderful memories we shared.
to my crushes, of past and present, future, too:
you have kept me giddy. your glances. your words. your sweet behavior. you have kept me open to the thought that someone is out there. someone is meant to be the love of my life. and though it may not have been you, you’ve made the journey so fun. you have kept me on my toes, guessing, wishing, hoping. perhaps, the next dashing gent to flash me a smile and become my crush, well maybe it’ll be him. but until then, i am grateful for the butterflies you provide me with in the meantime. whether they be seasonal or permanent – thank you. you’ve helped remind me that love will come, but until then, to enjoy the adventures along the way.
and to the one i’ll someday have the honor of being “mine…”
well, i can’t wait to be your forever valentine.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Loves.